My uncle is hoarding fruitcake

April 17, 2019

Article originally sourced from Arkansas Leader



If we have a deep freezer in our garage, in our carport, on the deck or in the laundry room, it’s because we hunt and stock up on deer meat or we buy meat in bulk, but not my Uncle Leroy.


His deep freezer is stocked right to the top with fruitcake.


See, Uncle Leroy is a fruitcake fanatic. He loves his fruitcake like most of us love the Razorbacks. He has loved the fruit-pitted hard brick since before I was old enough to know I had an Uncle Leroy.


Every year he gets fruitcakes, small and large, from family, friends, neighbors and even strangers who hate to re-gift a fruitcake that has probably been re-gifted two or three times already, and they want it to go to a good home.


Even Santa knows what Uncle Leroy wants. Every time Uncle Leroy goes to the mall, he stops and waves to Santa.


Santa waves back and hollers, “Fruitcake.” Uncle Leroy truly believes it’s because Santa knows what all boys and girls want, but I’ve been told from one of the elves that it has a different connotation.


My uncle devours slices and slices of the stuff from Thanksgiving through New Year’s and at other times off season. But even if he went on an all-fruitcake diet, he won’t even make a dent in the deep freezer. The secret to freezing fruitcake and still have it good (if fruitcake was ever good) years later is to douse it in brandy.


I wonder if it is the fruitcake or the brandy that Uncle Leroy enjoys enjoy so much.


He still has the fruitcake from the first anniversary year of his marriage to my Aunt Jeannie, and one for everyone of the 60-plus years since.

The only other fruitcake couple I’m aware of are Peter and Pat Young of Rhode Island. When they got married in 1965, their wedding cake topper was fruitcake, and they preserved and nibbled on it for the next 50 years. So Uncle Leroy, you are not alone out there.


Now in his 80s, my uncle is only good for another 20 or 30 years and his kids, my cousins, don’t mind inheriting the tools, family knickknacks and cash, but they don’t want the fruitcake. So for this Christmas, I offer to Uncle Leroy, instead of another fruitcake, ways to use his stockpile of fruitcake for the good of humanity.


Perhaps we can launch a payload of fruitcake into North Korea with hopes that one of the bricks will knock some sense into that crazy leader and the rest can be served up to the North Korean army in hopes that it will cure them of those parasites they seem to be infested with.


And with New England Patriots heading into the playoffs again, at least a dozen of the brick-a-brac fruitcakes can be sent to quarterback Tom Brady to be used in the games and good luck trying to under-inflate a fruitcake.


Hundreds of them could be used to build the Trump wall. Now as a hardcore Republican, uncle you would be pleased with that idea. Think of the cement and concrete the nation would save, plus if an illegal alien tried to traverse a fruitcake wall they would be “gooied” to it forever.


Then again we could bring back those 1970s platform shoes using fruitcake as the soles and heals – colorful, decorative and strong.


Of course Uncle Leroy’s alleged, supposed, rumored mob connections may want a truckload to use as weights when they send someone to spend time with the fishes.


Maybe put the whole lot on Ebay and auction it off as a collectible or maybe claim that staring into all that fruitcake makes one see Santa. What? That’s just fruitcake, you say.

I don’t know – Uncle Leroy sure sees something in the rock-hard holiday doorstops that make the season and his life merry.


Happy holidays, Uncle Leroy and Aunt Jeannie."



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